These bitches gonna learn today...

Soooo your boy been MIA for a bit. I'M BACKKKK!!!!!!

So I recently reactivated my online personals account. Put up some new photos, update some interests and BOOM, inbox overload. I must be getting cuter cause your boy is getting BLOWN UP. So I start responding to these ladies and start chatting them up. I come across this little redbone that's local and we decide to meet up. I meet up with baby girl and she's straight. Nice figure, boobs kinda small for my taste but the donkey was on point. We chat and giggle it up for a bit and go our separate ways.

Over the next few days we talk on the phone, text, etc etc. Everything is going great and she tells me she is going to be at one of my sites I work at to register her kid for school. I decide to go up there and kick it with her while she does all her stuff. So she is blowing me up that morning asking me if i'm there, if i'm coming and all that. I show up and we link up. She is in a long line and being the VIP that I am, I'm going to pull her to the front of the line cause.. I GOT IT LIKE THAT.

So I walk up to her and her son and she says hey son this is my friend Derrick.

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WHO? What's my name? She looks me in the face and says on damn.. My bad... I mean this is DeAndre.
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By this time she knew she fucked up. She starts reaching for my name tag as I start to back away. Her son informs her that my name tag said Darnell. By now I'm walking away. Now I'm not mad cause she messed up my name but from what came after.

So she texts me cause I left. Tells me that I dwell and hold grudges too much. I need to let it go? She messed up and called me someone else's name.
BITCH!!!!
She tells me it's not like we been dating and we just met etc...That was it. I had to check her.

I told her how much of an idiot she was. Why you introduce a dude to yo kid if you don't know his name? Then you act as if I'm wrong cause my name ain't what you wanted it to be? I told her I do hold grudges and I need to fix that. I told her she needs to work on her short term memory loss and I wished her good luck in her quest.


Now this last word freak keeps texting me trying to get a response out of me. Don't she see where I said Take Care? That's it. I'm done. No more words need to be said now leave me alone. Classic passive aggressive approach. First she is sorry, then the next text is she is mad like it's my fault, then the next text is well forget you. Like it's her choice at this point. Bitch I already fired yo ass..... Get on somewhere with that bullshit.

I can't in 2013

So I'm a computer nerd by trade. I repair and update computers on a daily basis. 3/31/13 I have decided that I will no longer fix computers with Windows XP or older any longer. What I have found is those people who are still holding on to those computers, are in fact the same people who don't want to pay full price to get their computers fixed. I recently had someone bring me a windows 2000 computer. That's right Windows 2000. That means your computer is about 13 years old. Bruh, you got your moneys worth out of it. It's not like a car where you drive it until it don't work. Your win2k machines doesn't work because it can't do simple things like go online anymore. I mean what you want me to do with it, fix your Netscape browser? Your dial up connection seems slow now? You can't get your AOL 2.5 chat rooms to open anymore? C'mon dude.. Seriously? Why you wasting my time with this shit? Oh it's slow now? What can we do to fix it? Nigga please. Oh you mean the 10gb hard drive and 128mg of ram isn't doing it for you no more? Dude, people who don't have HD tv think your ass needs to upgrade.

What in the world do you want me to do with this 40lb laptop? I got carpel tunnel just picking it up. And you know these be the same NIGGAS talmbout "wow, how much is it gonna cost me to fix it? Oh can you give me a break" A break? If you don't get your old ass boat anchor and cheap ass out of my face. These are the same people talking bout

1. It's $80? Oh I got $60 can i get that $20 to you next week?
2. Hey can I bring my computer to you to fix it. (After it's fixed) Oh can I pay you on pay day?
3. Wow it's that much? (Still 1/4 of what geek squad would charge you)
4. Oh do I get the friend discount?
5. Can I give you this watch as collateral?

WORST SEX EVER!!!!!

So this girl has been throwing it at me for a while. She has been going hard in the paint, talmbout how good she is and so on. I've been playing coy and avoiding it but last night I hit a dry spell so I decided to let her come thru and "massage my back" since I was sore from working out. She gladly agrees and then sets the time. She shows up on time (Cool points +10)and we sit and talk for a bit before we retire into my room (where the magic happens) to get this massage going.

Now first off, I tend to like ladies with them soft Palmolive hands. This girls hands were rough like she worked on a railroad and I mean the tracks. She starts rubbing my back and it felt like someone was pulling my skin off. It wasn't very feminine at all. She goes on and on and tells me that I needed to take off my shorts so she could get my legs. HERE WE GO. Now mind you, I'm face down and have already realized that I had fucked up. I kept replaying that scene from Boomerang where Eddie was asking her to make it darker and darker. So before I take off my shorts I close the blinds and the door. I got it as dark as I could in my room but that didn't help.....

She finishes up the back and tells me to roll over and I'm hesitant. Reluctantly I roll over and I'm stretched out across my bed. The next thing I know she leans down and is trying to kiss me. She can't see so she is missing and trying to play it off. She kisses my nose, my chin and my cheek before zeroing in on me like a game of battle ship. She finds my mouth and goes in for the real thing. Now I pride myself as a good kisser, and really enjoy it. But this chick starts to probe my mouth with her tongue like some type of lizard trying to find the scent of a meal. He tongue was rough and scaly like her hands. If you have ever been licked by a cat that's what it felt like. I wanted to ask her why aint your tongue smooth like everyone else but I was already traumatized. She has her face next to my face as she is rubbing me "ALL OVER" and her skin smelled FAT. I can't explain what the smell was but it smelled like FAT. It was FAT with a few pumps of some nasty Bath and Body Works body spray to mask the FAT smell. I couldn't take it so I jumped up. I'm like I need to get a condom.

I strap up and my dick is looking up at me like Nigga don't do it. He was like I'd rather you slam me in the car door but don't do this. I ensure him it's going to be ok and over quickly and I tell her to turn over (cause i didn't want to see her). Now, I got this move I do and it works 99.9% of the time to drive the ladies crazy. I figure i'll start with that and get this over as fast as possible. So I try and execute before my dick goes limp cause he was checking out quick. He wanted nothing to do with this mess I had gotten us in. But I couldn't get it in. Now I'm not trying to claim to be Mandingo or nothing but I couldn't get it in. It was like her Uterus was on upside down. My shit wouldn't fit right. I had to shift and contort to finally get it in and then it kept popping out. I couldn't understand it. So I finally get to a point where I can do my thing and I begin to go to work.

You ever go to a black wedding and their is that one white co-worker there. And when they do the electric slide dude is fucking up the whole line? Going left when he supposed to go right. Going back when he is supposed to go forward? Well that was this girl. NO skills at all. I got so frustrated that I said OK you stop moving I'll do it all. Hell, that was the very thing I broke up with my last girlfriend for. She would just lay there and I had to do all the work. I was like WTF is this shit? Be careful what I ask for????

After about 20 min of giving it my best college try and faked it. I started moaning loud and acting like I was gonna cum so I could jump up. So just as I'm bout to pull out this heffa decides she wants to hold me in with her legs. I'm like let me go bitch. Damnit. LET ME GO before I call the police. I jump up and run to the bathroom to dispose and flush this wasted condom. I wash my hands and come out of the restroom to this woman who looks up at me and ask me. "HOW WAS IT"

Now earlier in the week I had missed an opportunity to tell some Jehovah Witness what's I really thought about them and didn't want to blow this opportunity here to let her know how I wished I could go back in time and NOT make that call to her. But I was gentleman and said. "oh it was good, my legs are weak let me lay down" I scurry to the other side of the bed and I swear to you before i could get in bed good she was snoring like she had run a 10k. I was like hey... hey.. I got to get up at 4am to run to LAX.. She was like I'll just leave when you leave. So now, I have stayed up, had the worst sex ever and now I can't even sleep cause she is going all snoring like a Harley Davidson on me. Hell, I can't even take care of myself cause this chick might wake up and want to run it back. I'm so mad I could yell. I can't tell you how happy I was when that alarm went off. I ran and jumped in the shower and dressed as quick as I could. Walked her out and she's like "CALL ME, we got to do that again real soon" UGH... Girl you need to have every seat at the next PORN convention and get yo sex game in order.

DAMN!!!!