WORST SEX EVER!!!!!

So this girl has been throwing it at me for a while. She has been going hard in the paint, talmbout how good she is and so on. I've been playing coy and avoiding it but last night I hit a dry spell so I decided to let her come thru and "massage my back" since I was sore from working out. She gladly agrees and then sets the time. She shows up on time (Cool points +10)and we sit and talk for a bit before we retire into my room (where the magic happens) to get this massage going.

Now first off, I tend to like ladies with them soft Palmolive hands. This girls hands were rough like she worked on a railroad and I mean the tracks. She starts rubbing my back and it felt like someone was pulling my skin off. It wasn't very feminine at all. She goes on and on and tells me that I needed to take off my shorts so she could get my legs. HERE WE GO. Now mind you, I'm face down and have already realized that I had fucked up. I kept replaying that scene from Boomerang where Eddie was asking her to make it darker and darker. So before I take off my shorts I close the blinds and the door. I got it as dark as I could in my room but that didn't help.....

She finishes up the back and tells me to roll over and I'm hesitant. Reluctantly I roll over and I'm stretched out across my bed. The next thing I know she leans down and is trying to kiss me. She can't see so she is missing and trying to play it off. She kisses my nose, my chin and my cheek before zeroing in on me like a game of battle ship. She finds my mouth and goes in for the real thing. Now I pride myself as a good kisser, and really enjoy it. But this chick starts to probe my mouth with her tongue like some type of lizard trying to find the scent of a meal. He tongue was rough and scaly like her hands. If you have ever been licked by a cat that's what it felt like. I wanted to ask her why aint your tongue smooth like everyone else but I was already traumatized. She has her face next to my face as she is rubbing me "ALL OVER" and her skin smelled FAT. I can't explain what the smell was but it smelled like FAT. It was FAT with a few pumps of some nasty Bath and Body Works body spray to mask the FAT smell. I couldn't take it so I jumped up. I'm like I need to get a condom.

I strap up and my dick is looking up at me like Nigga don't do it. He was like I'd rather you slam me in the car door but don't do this. I ensure him it's going to be ok and over quickly and I tell her to turn over (cause i didn't want to see her). Now, I got this move I do and it works 99.9% of the time to drive the ladies crazy. I figure i'll start with that and get this over as fast as possible. So I try and execute before my dick goes limp cause he was checking out quick. He wanted nothing to do with this mess I had gotten us in. But I couldn't get it in. Now I'm not trying to claim to be Mandingo or nothing but I couldn't get it in. It was like her Uterus was on upside down. My shit wouldn't fit right. I had to shift and contort to finally get it in and then it kept popping out. I couldn't understand it. So I finally get to a point where I can do my thing and I begin to go to work.

You ever go to a black wedding and their is that one white co-worker there. And when they do the electric slide dude is fucking up the whole line? Going left when he supposed to go right. Going back when he is supposed to go forward? Well that was this girl. NO skills at all. I got so frustrated that I said OK you stop moving I'll do it all. Hell, that was the very thing I broke up with my last girlfriend for. She would just lay there and I had to do all the work. I was like WTF is this shit? Be careful what I ask for????

After about 20 min of giving it my best college try and faked it. I started moaning loud and acting like I was gonna cum so I could jump up. So just as I'm bout to pull out this heffa decides she wants to hold me in with her legs. I'm like let me go bitch. Damnit. LET ME GO before I call the police. I jump up and run to the bathroom to dispose and flush this wasted condom. I wash my hands and come out of the restroom to this woman who looks up at me and ask me. "HOW WAS IT"

Now earlier in the week I had missed an opportunity to tell some Jehovah Witness what's I really thought about them and didn't want to blow this opportunity here to let her know how I wished I could go back in time and NOT make that call to her. But I was gentleman and said. "oh it was good, my legs are weak let me lay down" I scurry to the other side of the bed and I swear to you before i could get in bed good she was snoring like she had run a 10k. I was like hey... hey.. I got to get up at 4am to run to LAX.. She was like I'll just leave when you leave. So now, I have stayed up, had the worst sex ever and now I can't even sleep cause she is going all snoring like a Harley Davidson on me. Hell, I can't even take care of myself cause this chick might wake up and want to run it back. I'm so mad I could yell. I can't tell you how happy I was when that alarm went off. I ran and jumped in the shower and dressed as quick as I could. Walked her out and she's like "CALL ME, we got to do that again real soon" UGH... Girl you need to have every seat at the next PORN convention and get yo sex game in order.

DAMN!!!!