These bitches gonna learn today...

Soooo your boy been MIA for a bit. I'M BACKKKK!!!!!!

So I recently reactivated my online personals account. Put up some new photos, update some interests and BOOM, inbox overload. I must be getting cuter cause your boy is getting BLOWN UP. So I start responding to these ladies and start chatting them up. I come across this little redbone that's local and we decide to meet up. I meet up with baby girl and she's straight. Nice figure, boobs kinda small for my taste but the donkey was on point. We chat and giggle it up for a bit and go our separate ways.

Over the next few days we talk on the phone, text, etc etc. Everything is going great and she tells me she is going to be at one of my sites I work at to register her kid for school. I decide to go up there and kick it with her while she does all her stuff. So she is blowing me up that morning asking me if i'm there, if i'm coming and all that. I show up and we link up. She is in a long line and being the VIP that I am, I'm going to pull her to the front of the line cause.. I GOT IT LIKE THAT.

So I walk up to her and her son and she says hey son this is my friend Derrick.

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WHO? What's my name? She looks me in the face and says on damn.. My bad... I mean this is DeAndre.
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By this time she knew she fucked up. She starts reaching for my name tag as I start to back away. Her son informs her that my name tag said Darnell. By now I'm walking away. Now I'm not mad cause she messed up my name but from what came after.

So she texts me cause I left. Tells me that I dwell and hold grudges too much. I need to let it go? She messed up and called me someone else's name.
BITCH!!!!
She tells me it's not like we been dating and we just met etc...That was it. I had to check her.

I told her how much of an idiot she was. Why you introduce a dude to yo kid if you don't know his name? Then you act as if I'm wrong cause my name ain't what you wanted it to be? I told her I do hold grudges and I need to fix that. I told her she needs to work on her short term memory loss and I wished her good luck in her quest.


Now this last word freak keeps texting me trying to get a response out of me. Don't she see where I said Take Care? That's it. I'm done. No more words need to be said now leave me alone. Classic passive aggressive approach. First she is sorry, then the next text is she is mad like it's my fault, then the next text is well forget you. Like it's her choice at this point. Bitch I already fired yo ass..... Get on somewhere with that bullshit.

I can't in 2013

So I'm a computer nerd by trade. I repair and update computers on a daily basis. 3/31/13 I have decided that I will no longer fix computers with Windows XP or older any longer. What I have found is those people who are still holding on to those computers, are in fact the same people who don't want to pay full price to get their computers fixed. I recently had someone bring me a windows 2000 computer. That's right Windows 2000. That means your computer is about 13 years old. Bruh, you got your moneys worth out of it. It's not like a car where you drive it until it don't work. Your win2k machines doesn't work because it can't do simple things like go online anymore. I mean what you want me to do with it, fix your Netscape browser? Your dial up connection seems slow now? You can't get your AOL 2.5 chat rooms to open anymore? C'mon dude.. Seriously? Why you wasting my time with this shit? Oh it's slow now? What can we do to fix it? Nigga please. Oh you mean the 10gb hard drive and 128mg of ram isn't doing it for you no more? Dude, people who don't have HD tv think your ass needs to upgrade.

What in the world do you want me to do with this 40lb laptop? I got carpel tunnel just picking it up. And you know these be the same NIGGAS talmbout "wow, how much is it gonna cost me to fix it? Oh can you give me a break" A break? If you don't get your old ass boat anchor and cheap ass out of my face. These are the same people talking bout

1. It's $80? Oh I got $60 can i get that $20 to you next week?
2. Hey can I bring my computer to you to fix it. (After it's fixed) Oh can I pay you on pay day?
3. Wow it's that much? (Still 1/4 of what geek squad would charge you)
4. Oh do I get the friend discount?
5. Can I give you this watch as collateral?

WORST SEX EVER!!!!!

So this girl has been throwing it at me for a while. She has been going hard in the paint, talmbout how good she is and so on. I've been playing coy and avoiding it but last night I hit a dry spell so I decided to let her come thru and "massage my back" since I was sore from working out. She gladly agrees and then sets the time. She shows up on time (Cool points +10)and we sit and talk for a bit before we retire into my room (where the magic happens) to get this massage going.

Now first off, I tend to like ladies with them soft Palmolive hands. This girls hands were rough like she worked on a railroad and I mean the tracks. She starts rubbing my back and it felt like someone was pulling my skin off. It wasn't very feminine at all. She goes on and on and tells me that I needed to take off my shorts so she could get my legs. HERE WE GO. Now mind you, I'm face down and have already realized that I had fucked up. I kept replaying that scene from Boomerang where Eddie was asking her to make it darker and darker. So before I take off my shorts I close the blinds and the door. I got it as dark as I could in my room but that didn't help.....

She finishes up the back and tells me to roll over and I'm hesitant. Reluctantly I roll over and I'm stretched out across my bed. The next thing I know she leans down and is trying to kiss me. She can't see so she is missing and trying to play it off. She kisses my nose, my chin and my cheek before zeroing in on me like a game of battle ship. She finds my mouth and goes in for the real thing. Now I pride myself as a good kisser, and really enjoy it. But this chick starts to probe my mouth with her tongue like some type of lizard trying to find the scent of a meal. He tongue was rough and scaly like her hands. If you have ever been licked by a cat that's what it felt like. I wanted to ask her why aint your tongue smooth like everyone else but I was already traumatized. She has her face next to my face as she is rubbing me "ALL OVER" and her skin smelled FAT. I can't explain what the smell was but it smelled like FAT. It was FAT with a few pumps of some nasty Bath and Body Works body spray to mask the FAT smell. I couldn't take it so I jumped up. I'm like I need to get a condom.

I strap up and my dick is looking up at me like Nigga don't do it. He was like I'd rather you slam me in the car door but don't do this. I ensure him it's going to be ok and over quickly and I tell her to turn over (cause i didn't want to see her). Now, I got this move I do and it works 99.9% of the time to drive the ladies crazy. I figure i'll start with that and get this over as fast as possible. So I try and execute before my dick goes limp cause he was checking out quick. He wanted nothing to do with this mess I had gotten us in. But I couldn't get it in. Now I'm not trying to claim to be Mandingo or nothing but I couldn't get it in. It was like her Uterus was on upside down. My shit wouldn't fit right. I had to shift and contort to finally get it in and then it kept popping out. I couldn't understand it. So I finally get to a point where I can do my thing and I begin to go to work.

You ever go to a black wedding and their is that one white co-worker there. And when they do the electric slide dude is fucking up the whole line? Going left when he supposed to go right. Going back when he is supposed to go forward? Well that was this girl. NO skills at all. I got so frustrated that I said OK you stop moving I'll do it all. Hell, that was the very thing I broke up with my last girlfriend for. She would just lay there and I had to do all the work. I was like WTF is this shit? Be careful what I ask for????

After about 20 min of giving it my best college try and faked it. I started moaning loud and acting like I was gonna cum so I could jump up. So just as I'm bout to pull out this heffa decides she wants to hold me in with her legs. I'm like let me go bitch. Damnit. LET ME GO before I call the police. I jump up and run to the bathroom to dispose and flush this wasted condom. I wash my hands and come out of the restroom to this woman who looks up at me and ask me. "HOW WAS IT"

Now earlier in the week I had missed an opportunity to tell some Jehovah Witness what's I really thought about them and didn't want to blow this opportunity here to let her know how I wished I could go back in time and NOT make that call to her. But I was gentleman and said. "oh it was good, my legs are weak let me lay down" I scurry to the other side of the bed and I swear to you before i could get in bed good she was snoring like she had run a 10k. I was like hey... hey.. I got to get up at 4am to run to LAX.. She was like I'll just leave when you leave. So now, I have stayed up, had the worst sex ever and now I can't even sleep cause she is going all snoring like a Harley Davidson on me. Hell, I can't even take care of myself cause this chick might wake up and want to run it back. I'm so mad I could yell. I can't tell you how happy I was when that alarm went off. I ran and jumped in the shower and dressed as quick as I could. Walked her out and she's like "CALL ME, we got to do that again real soon" UGH... Girl you need to have every seat at the next PORN convention and get yo sex game in order.

DAMN!!!!

GUESS Who's BACK!!!!!

What's going on with these chicks in 2012?

So this chick I used to run thru hits me out of the blue. You know the call... Where they are putting out feelers... "Oh, I was just thinking about you... I didn't want anything just wondering how YOU're doing" blah blah...

I'm old enough to know what this is. So I hit her with "So what are you thinking about me?" I throw the bait out and wait for the nibble.... WHAM!!!!! No nibble.. I got a full bite... "Oh I was thinking about how you used to blow my back out" So being the fisherman that I am.. I set the hook. I'm talking Bassmaster Classic would have been proud of me. "So you miss that huh? Well we need to revisit that real soon."

So we end the call and I tell her that I'll be in touch. Now I have no intention on driving back down that street ever, due to this girl being on of those people that ALWAYS have something negative going on. You know the type, every time you talk to them they got a problem. Problems with their car, kids, job, money etc etc...

So I call her in a few weeks and I'm like hey what's up. How you doing. Totally expecting something negative. She's like "I'm fine, how are you" I tell her that I have been thinking about out last conversation just to see if I still had that fish on the hook. She then proceeds to not only break the line but also take my best lure. :(

She blindsides me with the "I have found Christ, and I'm trying to live my life right. But we can still be friends......"

WTF

I was speechless... and that doesn't happen to me. So I respond with the first thing that came to mind. "GOOD LUCK WITH THAT" She asks me which part.. I told her BOTH!!!

So I chalk one up to the big guy upstairs.... No worries... About two weeks later I get a text from her. I'm like, damn that didn't last long. She hits me with the I just wanted to see how you were line. I'm like WHY? We go back and forth for like 5 minutes about how she is my friend and she still worries about me etc.

Then she hits me with it......




CAN I BORROW $80...........................

#Girl BYE

So I had to make a quick run thru Kaiser this morning to drop off my cpap machine. In and Out 5min is what I told myself when I drove up. I get out, walking with a purpose past the line of people getting flu shots down to respiratory medicine. I wait in line for what feels like two football games. And I finally get to the front where I'm greeted by this young plump lady with a thick tongue. You know the type, she starts talking with a lisp. She puts on this big KOOL-aide smile and batting her eyes and asks me for my card etc.

I hand her my card and my machine and she starts to go through the bag to make sure all the parts to the machine were there. She then looks me DEAD IN MY EYE and tell me. "You know you look just like my Ex.... I'm like what is he doing in here" I try and play it off like I didn't hear her but she is staring at me like Urkle thinking about Laura Winslow.

I tell her "Well don't start cutting up my card and throwing stuff at me" she giggles and does that laugh where they cover their mouth and then puts her hand on top of mine and tells me "I'm not the violent type" I wanted to tell her well YOU AINT MY TYPE EITHER GIRL BYE. The thirst is real... Somebody get this girl a sprite. But I gave her the official girl bye look.....

Idiots!!!!

I'm not in a bad mood..I'm in a ''hey if I get the opportunity to punch someone in the face today, I'm taking it" mood! When you work in the service industry you have to have lots of patience and understanding. I have none of both. I'm so fucking sick of people.... Why do you call me with a problem that clearly you already know how to fix it? Hell if you are that smart, why did you break your computer in the first place? I've been saying it since last year and I truly mean it. I'm not fuckin with niggas in 2012. Now I don't use the term to indicate any race of people but more so STUPID people. I have had to deal with 3 types of niggas this year and they are really close to getting me to slap someone in the mouth. Type 1. The person who gets a virus on their computer and then proceeds to argue with me when I tell them how or where it came from. THEY never did anything wrong. They didn't go to that site, downloaded that illegal software or click on that link. They argue with you about how magically the computer contracted this virus. FUCKING IDIOT. STAY OFF THE PORN SITES. Type 2. The person who brings your computer over to get fixed but doesn't have any money to pay for it. Nigga I ain't Popeye and you aint Wimpy. NO YOU CAN'T PAY ME Tuesday for a HAMBURGER TODAY. If you don't have no money you don't need your computer right away. STOP WASTING MY TIME ASSHOLE Type 3. If you have a desktop computer with a 28.8k modem go kill yo self. Don't bring me your old ass computer talking about it's just so slow... Yea it is, it's old as hell. No I can't speed it up.. No deleting music or photos won't make it run faster. DEFRAG don't do shit asshole, stop trying to use tech terms as if you knew what you were talking about. It's 2012. Go to Costco and buy something new. CHEAP BASTARD.

Sooo I finally shook my Stalker....

So I've been MIA for a bit doing the REAL LIFE thing (FACEBOOK). I'd been spending most of my time in the private secret groups of Facebook with all the other pervs. One group in particular has a high amount of foolishness and phuckery going on. That's where I first met my stalker. She had been on my friends list before but the stalking didn't begin until then.

Now this chick looks old enough to be my mother yet she was actually only 5 calendar years older than me. Normally I'd chalk it up to me looking good for my age but nope, she just looks like an old lady. You all know how it starts... The abundance of likes on EVERY thing you post. The agreeing with EVERY thing you post even when you're dead wrong. The comments when you check in places... "And you went without me.... I love that place... Let me know when you're going there again etc etc..." No bitch... NO!!

It started being super obvious to EVERYONE that she was all up in my mix. Now I fancy myself a ladies man. A bonafide closer when it comes to the ladies, but this here.. NO MA'AM.

My sister and other friends tried to run interference and scare her off, but this chick was like a bad case of Athletes foot. She just kept coming back. Finally I had (had) enough. I know this might come as a shock to you readers but some people say I can be quite mean. I had to take matters into my own hands. I started talking trash to her. She laughed it off at first and I went harder and harder. She finally broke last week.

I must say, I'm relieved.. She removed me from her friends list, left the group and attempted to curse me out. All the while I finally understood why I was so upset about it all. It finally clicked. BITCH I'm out of your league. I'm way to cute for you to even THINK you had a chance. In fact I'm down right offended. I must be letting myself slip if this GURILLABOPOTOMUS thought she could get this. Seriously, either you give yourself more credit than you should EVER, or I'm slipping in my pimpin. Now, I've banged my share of ugly chicks. But that was me doing charity work but this here.....HELL NO!

At least I don't have to look over my shoulders... My stalker is gone and that my friends is a good thing...

Time to shake things up a bit....

Bored with what's going on.

Is this what's hot in 2011

So I've been keeping busy on my grind so far this year and trying to get on top of these bills that Christmas made. I've not given anyone too much time and kept my reckless eyeballing in check. I get a text this morning at 5:45am by this chick (let's call her the HEAD MONSTER. She's is asking me for help with some electronics. I'm like ok, I'll get back with you when I rolling.

Now this girl and I used to kick it pretty tough back in the day before she moved out of town. When ever she came to town I'd smash and we were on really good terms. She went so far as to tell me she would have stayed here in town had I asked her not to go. She's a cool chick but she wanted a lot more out of me than I was willing to give, namely KIDS.

So fast forward back to today. She is asking me for help with which product to buy. She wants me to research some things and get back to her and let her know which one to buy. So I'm like you're asking a lot for 6am. She them tells me, "I need to know cause I want to buy it for my boyfriend"


Uh... when did I let you know I gave a damn about you or your man? Not only that but why would you think its ok to text me at 5:45 about this shit and FUCK YOU, you fucking idiot. Is the cold weather on the east coast making your brain swell? Oh let me start calling ex-girlfriends to help me plan the perfect wedding for my wife-to-be.(just making a point) Let me get up out of bed, get on the internet and find you the perfect gift for you to give another dude? OK......Let me get right on that....

Again with that B.S.

So I get home and I'm watching the Mike Vick show on the tele. Phone rings and it's this girl that I used to smash a while back. She tells me that her baby daddy (fresh outta jail) didn't appreciate a comment that I made about one of her kids on Facebook and wanted to discuss the matter with me, man to man.

I start looking through her 200 photos on Facebook and find one comment that I made about her kid in his baseball uniform. I said "Make that kid tuck in his shirt" So I'm like ok what's really going on.

So this not being my first time at the rodeo I can almost guess that my name has come up for ANOTHER reason. I'm 40 years old. I don't have time for this bullshit. I'm dealing with my own baby mama bullshit and damn if I'm going to get caught up in some one elses. This is like the 3rd dude calling me about some bullshit.

Do I put off some vibe like I need to be called? Do I seem like the friendly type? I'm just sayin. Facebook has about run it's course as did Myspace. I'm close to deleting all but my family and close friends and keep it moving. Way to many people not keeping their shit in order. My girl Malika was talking about Facebook drama just as I step right into some myself. WTF...

You ever..

Get so mad at someone that you want to slap the teeth out of their mouth? This family court process is really working on my nerves, patience and testing my faith.

Not sure how much of this I can take before I catch a case.

MTV is the DEVIL

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I'm feeling old

I joke all the time about me not being 19 anymore and it's usually cause I'm hungover. Today I'm not 19 anymore on a whole other level. My little man graduated Kindergarten today, my oldest just promoted from the 7th grade. Damn.. Where does the time go?

Happy Memorial Day...

Nothing like getting it put on you. I've been a fog all weekend. Can't stop thinking about it. Nothing like getting a text saying it was awesome and I'm thinking damn I'm thinking the same thing.

I have to stay out of LBC, that can be addicting. Back on my grind tomorrow, got something new lined up, let's see how it goes....

House Hunting

So, it finally happened. Let me set the scene.

8:00am cell starts blowing up. I get like 6 texts in a row. It's my neighbor and she is blowing me up like a Macy's parade float. She is frantic about her new computer. Now mind you, I get to work at 7:30 and she is asking me to come look at her computer right now... I ignore the texts for a while but they kept coming. I finally text back and find out her son's friend was on her computer with a thumb drive and now the computer is Blue screening. (SO SHE SAYS)

I go home for lunch and she must have seen me cause the texts start flowing again. I call her on the phone and she is talking like she has some big report due and needs her computer to meet the deadline. I tell her I would look at it when I got home from work at 5.

So fast forward to 5.

I get home and she is waiting for me. I go in my house, put down my bag and grab my flash drives and head over. Now this person doesn't know anything about a computer. She can barely turn it on. I get over and look at the computer and it has an error message on the screen. "DO YOU WANT TO DEBUG" I click no and her desktop loads. She is like "OMG WHAT DID YOU DO?" I said I clicked the button. So she asks me to clean it up and make sure everything is running. Meanwhile she runs to her bedroom door and yells to her husband that I fixed it.

So I'm going on the net and go to type in the address bar and low and behold. "ADULT FRIEND FINDER" pops up. I'm like oh ok, lets see.. Sure enough it loads and a user name is in the box. I remember it and go back home.

I get on my computer, go to adult friend finder and type a search on that username and BOOM! Account found. with a photo of her husband with her in the background. I'm like wow. They've only been married 2 years. So I see some writing in spanish on the profile. So I text my boy and ask him to translate.

So he calls me back and tells me what it says. LOOKING FOR HANDSOME COUPLE or HOT CHICKS.

I'm floored. I had no idea. I'm actually speechless. So I look at the profile again and notice it says it had 40 pics on the profile. 40? really? who puts 40 pics up on a personals site? So those of you who don't know, when you don't have a paid account you can only see the first 2 pics. So I click on it and there it is. My neighbors husband doing the Naked Man in a Captain Morgan pose in his birthday suit. Dude is standing there with his pecker out in all his glory. I can't even look at him the same anymore. I really think I need therapy. Who would have thought my neighbors that watch my house when I go on fishing trips are swingers. I've seen them both a few times since but I can't look at them. I would have liked to see some pics of her but I can't risk the chance of seeing dudes little pecker again.

So point of my story, somebody has to move. Me or the swingers.

Arguing with Idiots

Nothing pisses me off more than trying to help someone and they are trying to tell "YOU" how to do it. Like if they knew how to do it they wouldn't need your help. WTF!!!

Back to work

Was really looking forward to getting back to work after being off for two months. Now with about an hour til I'm due at the job I'm wishing I had another week. I am going to miss my judge shows, my stories and napping at 10am.

Pray for me people. Pray that I don't slap somebody first day back...

You made promises....

And dammit I intend to collect. So get over yourself







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Confuzzled....

Why claim that you can handle it when you can't?