Pump YO Breaks.....

So my grandmother is in town for mother's day and of course she wants to see the kids. So I pick up the kids from school and proceed directly to my moms house. I make the normal friday afternoon stop at the barbershop to get my son's fade tightened up for the weekend and head over to my moms.

Grandmother wasn't there at the time so I just dropped the kids off and kept it pushing. A Friday night unsupervised. WHOA!!! I'm looking for some trouble. I text this girl I had been wanting to seal the deal with and everything is looking good for our hero to getting his freak on. I set it up for a late dinner and drinks. Everything is good. I mash to the house, change the sheets, clean the bathrooms and get the house ready for company.

9pm the bullshit starts. Ol' girl calls with the excuses flowing. I'm like here we go. Why do girls think it's ok to break off dates etc by text? Are you that scared to say it over the phone? What ever.... So I text her back that she is going to have to make it up to me. This heffa replies that she isn't looking for just a booty call and blah blah blah. I can't even remember the rest cause that is what it was. So I'm like uh, you could have been woman enough to state that a few hours ago right? It just hit you all of a sudden? Not to mention I said I wanted to go out, but you said lets just go have some drinks.

By now I'm pissed off and really should have just chalked it up to the game and went home and had a glass of wine and watched some TV. But noooooo your boy had to dig down in the book and find someone to come lay next to me. Mind you it's like 9:30 by now, so it took me a minute to find a replacement.

So I reach (lets call her May) one of my oldies but goodies. She is a little older than me but she takes good care of herself. I talk her into coming out to go have some drinks and hang out. She gets to my spot at about 11 and we head over to yardhouse for some drinks. We are having a good time and we order some food. This chick goes buck wild on the menu ordering this and that and this and that. I'm like damn woman but I know you got to play but I'm still side-eyeing this broad as I order a salad (your boy is on a diet). We eat and chill and have a good time laughing and catching up and we decide to head back to my spot for some drinks.

Back at my spot everything is going good. We are watching movies, touching and feeling and it's getting close to show time. So me, being the spider that I am, starts spinning my web. I move in closer and we start making out like two mice in a wool sock. (sorry I was watching the Klumps) Then all of a sudden she stops. She starts crying and I'm like WTF. I'm like Denzel in a devil with a blue dress (I'm hey you got my going now Corretta) What's wrong? She asks me to turn on the lights so she can see my eyes. I'm like uh oh....Was I passing gas and didn't realize it? Were my lips chapped? What's really going on?

So she starts tell me about this guy she used to date 30 years ago. They had reconnected via facebook (the devils playground) and how they hooked up this past week. She told me that he had a girlfriend that came to her house and whooped her ass. I'm like WHOA! So I reassure her that my house was safe and nothing to worry about over here. She goes on to tell me how she had the police there and all that. So I'm scooting closer to reassure her that everything was ok. By now she is balling. I'm like damn baby its ok..... And then she hits me with IT.

She tells me that homeboy gave her HERPES and he stole her laptop when his girlfriend attacked her. She said a whole lot of other stuff but I was stuck on the herpes part. Now I'm not sure what my face looked like but the way she was looking at me made me think that I had a look like you make when someone has really bad breath. Any sexual tension suddenly left and I started to feel this sudden urge to go wash my hands.

Now she is crying and going on and call me wrong and an asshole but the only thing going on in my mind was BITCH! you owe me 45 dollars for you half of the bill! I am sitting there and it took everything inside me to not shake the shit out of this chick. She knew what I was calling for and it damn sure wasn't so I could play Dr. Phil and counsel this bitch. I'm not Montell or am I the soup kitchen. This bitch knew she was burning like Santa Barbara and she came and ordered like she was gonna call her girl and have a threesome with me.

Yea, I'm sorry she is burning but she is too old to be letting someone hit it raw. I'm sorry she got beat down for it and lost her laptop but I'm most sorry cause this bitch thought it was ok to eat for free. I'm gonna get my money.