Internet Dating HORROR - HOUSE

So I get up early and check my email to find an email from a young lady wanting to know me. I don't check my black planet page much anymore but it's still there. I check out the photo and it's full of head shots so my radar is blowing up. I shoot a note back and ask her to email me back some recent photos. She does and it is all good.

It was Friday night and I had no plans. I have my kids on most weekends so when I don't have them, I often forget to plan something. I go online and my new friend has left me her number. I am like; Ok let's see what's up. I shoot her a text and find out that she is at the mall around the corner. She asks me to meet her a Starbucks and I'm like sure, I'll be there in 20.

I arrive at the spot and see her sitting outside. I walk up and my fears were put to rest. She was actually very cute. I'm like; Ok we can work with this. We sit down and chat it up for hours. We decide to go pick up something to eat and go to my spot. The conversation is good, she looks good, and I'm starting to let the guard down. That's when it happened.

We are sitting at my dining room table eating and I keep hearing this ticking sound. I'm talking about a ticking like a bomb. I get up several times to check things. I check my smoker, my computers, and can't find anything. She finally asks me what I'm looking for and I ask her if she can hear that ticking sound. I'm sipping some of my sweat tea and she very calmly informs me that, that was her. She tells me that she has cardiomyopathy and has something like a pacemaker.

I start to choke violently and got light headed cause I choked so bad. When I get myself together I couldn't even finish eating. You know your boy has done lots of things but I couldn't bring myself to do this. That's just what I need, this girl dying in my bed from a heart attack. I can hear my sister now, "Hey Big Brah, what's going on man? What you do?" Oh nothing at all sis, just killed a bitch.

Hey wait a minute, that might be good for the rep. I may need to re-think this.

Everybody hates Chris

Damn man, I know you are from the south but damn dude you need your ass whooped for putting in work like this. I didn't know you were a card carrying member to the Ike Turner Fan club.

For the Love of Ray-J Act 3

Another week of reality brings us back to our favorite "D" list singer and his quest for love. This week starts off like the last, the girls are hating on Danger. (more on that in a minute) They don't like the fact that she got the glass first in the last two eliminations. Needless to say there is some serious catty activity going on.

The girls get called to the room for the normal message from Ray. They end up moving out to the location of today's challenge. Ray has set up a game show (Family Feud) type for the girls. He splits the girls up in two cliques. Instantly you can see the division of the girls. You have the so called distinguished ladies vs. the party clan. Needless to say the party girls get blanked and lose the date with Ray.

The ladies make it back to the house and the drama gets going fast. Danger approaches stacks while she is on the phone and Stacks dismisses her to which Danger said "You don't have to act like a bitch about it" It's instantly on and the shit talking goes full swing. Stacks gets off the phone and gets her posse. They start Danger bashing and one of the other girls informs this posse that Danger said she didn't like any of them and they were all bitches. HERE WE GO!!!!

So Unique, Stacks and Cashmere decide they are going to confront Danger who is by herself outside having a smoke (eww). So they are getting all swole about what they gonna cuss her out and talk shit to her and BAM!!!!! Unique asks Danger if she told the other girls in the house that she said she didn't like them. YEP, I don't like you guys, you don't like me, it's no big thing it's a competition. She stopped these hoes dead in their tracks. They were truly taken back by the fact that she was so calm and dismissed this angry mob with ease. It was truly a work of art. They walked away plotting even more on how they were going to monopolize Ray-J the next day at their group date and keep her left in the cold.

On the solo date with Ray, your girl Stilts gets called out for having a wedding ring on her hand. She confirms that she is still legally married. Needless to say your boy Ray was taken aback by it. 1. If you were separated and still wore your ring don't you wear it on the other hand? 2. Her reason for why they weren't divorced was because she hasn't found anyone else and it wasn't a big deal, is such B.S. 3. At least not wear that ring when you trying to get at someone else.

My girl Danger isn't one to be fucked with and is smarter than the rest of these girls by far. They all go out on the group date and danger switches up her look. She straightens her hair and baby was looking good. Ray takes the girls shopping and these three girls lose focus as soon as they enter the store. They start shopping for themselves while Danger locked Ray up all to herself by shopping with him in mind and involving him in everything she picked up. Before the other girls knew what hit them they were the ones left out in the cold and all they could hear was Mystical in their heads. DANGER!!! watch cho self, sho me what you working wit!! It was too late, Check and Mate. Danger outsmarted the unruly trio and they were left standing with their mouths open asking each other WTF just happened?

While the girls are on their group date the girls who lost are at home all butt-hurt and start plotting. Cocktail gets dirt on Stilts and Caviar. Cocktail and Chardonnay give Ray a massage and start throwing girls under the bus. Needless to say their plan worked.





It comes down between Caviar and Stilts and in the end Ray couldn't get past her being married. BOUNCE STILTS!

Now on to Danger...... She is claiming to be pregnant from Ray-J

“There is no way the baby can be anyone’s but Ray J’s,” [Danger] told the ENQUIRER in an exclusive interview…”I was locked in a mansion with him and 13 girls from October until the end of December. Toward the end of the first week of filming, we made love for the first time - and we slept together every night after that! I didn’t want to fall for Ray J, but he was so charming it became impossible not to. I was in love with him, and as strange as it might sound, I think he loved me.”

We have to see how this plays out but by the last sentence of this I'm starting to think he picked someone else. Let’s see if my horse wins the race at least she was in it till the end it seems.

I'm hard on dem hoes......

"I want the money
Money and the cars
Cars and the clothes -
THE HOES ...
I suppose...I just wanna be, I just wanna be
SUCCESSFUL" -Drake (So Far Gone)

Not sure what it was last night but I was on one. You know the mood I'm talking about. That mood you get in and you are just waiting for someone to look at you wrong so you can pounce on them like a Lion on a injured gazelle. Well your boy was his normal King of the Jungle self last night and proceeded to slap the flesh off some gazelles that decided to set me off.

Unlike the king of the jungle that kills to eat, I do it cause I can. So victim #1 shoots me a message on myspace talking about not feeling the love and that someone obviously is getting my attention because she wasn't. Now this is out of the blue but I knew it would happen. She is that insecure type. You know the type I mean, she knows how many friends I have on myspace and goes around and checks their pages out to see if I post on their page. I had someone comment on my page and on some of my photos. Yep, I could have called this one. Her fatal mistake was putting it in a message. I was already half way through a bottle of Pinot Noir so my fangs came out quick and the strike was quick, deliberate and fatal. "If you less time worrying about the next bitch and more time learning how to please me you wouldn't have to worry about who is posting on my site. In fact remove yourself from the equation, stay off my page and check out her page and ask her to teach you how to please a man"

Victim #2 decided to call me a hoe. So I put her on ignore. Wouldn't answer the calls, the texts, emails or anything. Women don't like that shit at all and it ate her up. It's mental warfare and most people can't handle it. And in this case it completely fucked her up. The texts went from fine then I'm done, you gonna miss this blah blah blah. By the end of the night it was I'm sorry, can you just talk to me and let me fix this. I didn't so much pounce on this one but more so, I scratched her neck and let her bleed to death while I sat and watched from a hill.

Victim #3 So this girl was suppose to come over Tuesday. We had set it up like a week before and of course Tuesday she flaked, playing the I need to deal with my kids card. Now normally I understand that, but don't come at me a few days later and say some shit like I should take you to lunch the next day. Oh no you didn't bitch... Once again, the kill was fast and I don't think she even saw me charging. "You have me confused with someone trying to hook up with you. You canceled on me Tuesday so it's your responsibility to get back in my good graces and not the other way around. Someone told you that because you got a snatch the world was yours. You need to check your pockets for the receipt because you don't own this world. It is in fact MY WORLD due to the fact that between you and I, I am the catch. You approached me not the other way around. You aint even that fly, but you do that thing with your mouth so I was overlooking your physical flaws, but you got it twisted."

I slept good last night, I enjoy leaving carnage all around the jungle. I did get a good morning call from each lady this morning all asking if we could talk and they were all sorry and wanted to make it up to me. I'm bored with my current team though, so I think I'll keep just one of them and replace the others. If you don't even have enough respect for yourself to tell me to go fuck myself, then why would I even want you????????

(disclaimer - tell me to go fuck myself will get you broke down like a car with four flats)

I can't believe my own eyes..

From G's to Gents Round 2.

I'm sitting here watching TV and I see it is coming on, so I say let's see what these dudes look like this go round before I go to bed. I am seriously stopped dead in my tracks. WTF is this bullshit tomfoolery. For once in my life I am at a loss for words so I'm just going to post some of the photos of these real life idiots.


















MTV has done it. I think I am officially done with reality tv. And to think Jamie Foxx has his name associated with this crap. This wigger has a real life MTV tattoo on his neck, complete set of grills and skittles braided into his corn rolls. Damn, I need to slap somebody.

50k bail?

So what does it take to piss a 19 year old with the world at his mercy so mad that he goes Ike Turner on his girl? Yes, she is from those islands and was probably slick in the mouth but what made him do it?

Did she tell him her album did better than his?

Did she tell him she was pregnant?

Did she tell him Usher was a better dancer?

Did she tell him she was leaving him for R-kelly?

Did he go to the restroom and discover crabs, the burn or herpes?

I'm just trying to figure it out.

Can someone help me figure it out?

Ray J Pt 2 Video Chat

So tonight our boy Ray J puts the girls through the first challenge. They have to make a video chat to see who wins the date with your boy. So I start thinking how much can you show somebody on the ichat?

In no particular order, this week’s points of awesomeness include:
- The girls’ respective ideas of what constitutes entertainment.

STACKS



She puts on her ballet outfit and does a little dance. BORING!!!! But hey that ass was banging in those tights.



Unique



She starts to sing a song that she wrote and couldn't remember the words. FIRED! In my best Simon Cowell voice.




Caviar



I can't even tell you what she did, I think it was some poem in Russian. I honestly turn the volume down when she talks but damn she is fine.



Cocktail



Baby gets her go-go dancing on. HOT.





Danger



Ok she starts freaking out mid episode and starts to hyperventilate. Seems she is an artist and she is sensative about her shit!



Genuine



Ok, now this one was a bit confusing. She did a belly dance, but baby girl had just a tad to much belly. Not a good look.




Feisty



What does it say about you when your Talent is drinking out of a beer bong?





Lil Hood



Ok this broad talked shit while Unique was singing. She was clowning and then got up and started to sing / rap





“You ain’t gotta take your shades off to see that I’m grindin’…
‘Cause gettin’ money’s just an occupation
If it ain’t about a dollar, then it ain’t ’bout Nathan.
Catch me in the Coupe, chicken noodle soup
All set and shiny, deep dish 22s.
I painted it green, now I’ll call it Mountain Dew.”


WTF?????



Atomic Bomb



Ok, this broke looking J-Lo busts out a jacket that she hit up with a bedazzler. I mean come on, my 11 year old is more creative.




Chardonnay



Ok she starts off with a nice poem. It was worthy of Def Poetry Jam, but then....
This hoe goes bananas. I'm talking she made a banana split out of herself.




So needless to say he takes Danger, Cocktail (my two favorites) and Chardonnay on the winners date. They take a ride on a yacht and he gets all lovey dovey with Danger. While he was out with the three lucky winners he had the losers get their nails and feets did. During this time it comes out that Genuine is there only for exposure.

Fast forward to eliminations.

Danger and Cocktail get the first two glasses and he sends not only Genuine but Atomic Bomb home too. I can't say that I blame him. Both were boring and not as cute as the others.

Season 8 Dancing with the Stars

So I get up this morning (5:30am) and start reading the headlines on yahoo (cause I like to think I'm up to date on the world's events) and I see a link to see who the cast of Dancing with the Stars Season 8 are. I am thrown back, totally shocked at what I see.

Denise Richards - Sexy ass hell and all that but this girl is clearly a nut case. Has anyone seen her show? It's not hard to see why someone this fine can't fine a man.

Jewel - Talk about someone who fell off of the radar. She came out had a few hits and BOOM 15 minutes were up. I can understand why she is here, she needs a career make over.

Steve O - Ok putting the jackass from Jackass is just asking for trouble. Don't be surprised if this idiot burns down the set.

Lawrence Taylor - Football star turned crackhead. Let's hope for a flashback.

David Allan Greer - Another has been trying to get an extension to his 15 min of fame.

Nancy O'dell - has nice legs but is that enough for this E.T. host to shine?

Belinda Carlisle - Damn the 80s called, they want her back.

Chuck Wicks - country singer (expect to see some shit kicking)

Ty Murray - Rodeo star and Jewel's husband. Should be more shit kicking

Steve Wozniak - Computer geek, expect a first round knock out for this dude.

Shawn Johnson - ok this chick just won some gold medals in the olympics. I don't think it's fair. She dances while doing her floor exercises.

and last but not least.

Little Kim - Do I really need to say anything?

WTF

So me and the fellas meet up for happy hour for drinks. The place is a hangout for many people that work for the city as well as a teacher hang out. We are sitting there having a round and having a good time and speaking to the many people that we know in this bar.

After everyone had purchased a round a drink we are finishing up the last little bit of our drinks before all three of us head out. In the back of the bar one of the secretaries at our job spots us and makes a B-line right for us. She has a thing for my boy Alberto and putting her flirt in motion. The people she was with were leaving and we were hoping that she was also. She notices that our drinks are low and flags down the waitress and orders another round.

Now we are thinking, damn that was cool of her. Maybe we were wrong to think she was some annoying hairy lady trying to get in Alberto's pants. She walks away towards the restroom and we start giving Alberto shit for her hanging on to him the way she was. We are sitting there laughing and having a good time so none of us notice the waitress walk up and start sitting drinks in front of all of us. We also didn't notice that his b*tch (excuse my language ladies) eased up and out of the bar leaving us to pay for this round that she ordered.

WTF is that shit? Did she think we looked thirsty? I've been told I look a lot of things but thirsty aint one of them!!

Internet Dating HORROR - Positive Feedback

Ok so I get blown up on Black planet by this young lady showing some interest. We do the whole initial correspondence thing blah blah blah. We fast forward to the first meeting. So we meet up for lunch one day and decide on Long John Silver’s. It's centrally located to both our jobs and it is not a place that I frequent so that makes it safe. I show up early and pick a good seat so I can check out the entire parking lot and see her as she walks in. I'm on the phone with my boy from work and telling him to page me so I can make a hasty escape if things aren't right. She shows up and of course doesn't look like her photos. She is quite bigger than the photos show but still had a cute face and pretty eyes. She had her hair back in a bun. I'm like damn you lazy heffa, you knew we were meeting today do your damn hair. Anyway we eat lunch and both go our separate ways.

Over the next few weeks we talk on the phone and get together for drinks. I start to see a pattern with her. Every time I talk to her on the phone something is wrong. She is either fighting with her job, family, or problems with her health. Finally I can't take it anymore and ask her why she is always complaining and never have anything positive to say when I call and ask how her day is going. She proceeds to tell me how her ex-husband committed suicide two years prior in their home and the kids saw her cut him down and thought she killed him. Ok so BIG RED Flag goes up. I'm like damn that's pretty messed up. She goes on about how his family is hard on her, how her family is hard on her for letting his family be hard on her etc etc.

I'm like ok, I need to ease myself out of this pit of snakes and keep it pushing. It's clear that old' girl isn't stable. I start to back off but the negative phone calls keep happening. I finally just snap myself. I tell her to stop letting these people get in her head and such but this doesn't help. She is still crying every other time I talk to her about this or that. Finally I told her, she needs to get her life on track and I'm not a track coach. She needs to get fixed, get help, get counseling or whatever but I'm not that dude. She makes the one mistake many women make with me. She tried to challenge me. So now my fangs come out. Believe me it isn't pretty when they do. I turn into a lion and she is a gazelle with a bad leg. I dig into that ass like a crackhead with crabs. Needless to say the conversation ends with her in tears.

Two weeks later I get this text. I look at the name and it's from her. It's allegedly from her brother letting everyone know that she was found unconscious and they rushed her to the hospital. I respond with a I hope she is ok and this alleged person starts to try and talk to me. He is saying crap like we never met but she talked about you all the time. She was really sorry how things ended and how she was a really good person with a good heart. These texts from this alleged person went on so long I finally had to respond and tell him that I wasn't interested in all this side bar and that her and I weren't an item and that he didn't have to update me anymore. I decide at this point I'm going to fuck with this.

So I ask the mystery text sender what hospital she was at. He tells me Fontana Kaiser. I tell them that I'm there right now visiting my father who was in the hospital (actually he was in Kaiser Sunset). I ask for the room and they come back with the Oh she can't have visitors. I then tell them that my neighbor is a nurse in the ER there and I'll just have her look in on her and make sure she is taken care of. The next day they tell me oh she wasn't listed under her name and they were moving her to another hospital in Upland.

I asked which hospital there because my cousin worked out there. This goes on for a few hours with them claiming to be moving again to LA, and all this other BS. I eventually get bored and stop going back and forth with them.

I still get random texts from this chick and even got an email from her on my birthday. Wouldn't you know it, she was going on and on about how she just had surgery and how bad things have been but she misses me and hopes we can be friends. Why don't they get it. When I'm done I'm DONE!

I'm positive that some squirrels find nuts and some are just nutty.

For the Love of Ray - J PT.1

Ok so the show starts off at the club and it's clear my boy Ray-J has let the producers know not to come at him with that B.S. He has by far the best grade of girls by any other show so far. It makes sense too being that he is probably the only VH1 reality show star that is actually current.

So he starts off singing in the club and and they move the girls outside to meet his God Sister (hmmmm) and she leads the ladies to the house. Now Ray-J is walking around like he is Puffy. And you can already tell that some of these girls have no chance. The girls hit the house choose the rooms blah blah blah, and they start the normal naming of the girls.

Ray-J looks like he is high or drunk during most of the first few meet and greats. These girls come up out of their clothes faster than a hooker on pay day. We got girls putting their legs behind their necks and doing the stripper bounce. I mean damn it got popping quick. Of course the rest of the ladies start hating on the stripper dance girl (Chardonnay). It gets very catty and the claws come out.

Now my personal favorite was Caviar. I think he was feeling her too but he was right, you can't understand a damn thing she was saying but damn was she fiiiooone. Danger was a close second and actually got the first glass with Caviar getting hers second. Unique is hella sexy with a neo-soul flow but I don't think she has a chance at winning, she is a bit mature for him. At the end of the day he sends home two girls. It comes down to the last three. Chardonnay (stripper dance), Naturalle (told him she was looking to be a actress) and Hot Cocoa (seems too old). Stripper girl gets the last glass but her time is going to be short lived.

My early prediction, Danger or Cocktail.

It's Grown Folks bidness!

So I'm sitting here watching the post game celebrations, the ESPN post game, and the locker room champagne spraying bullshit. I'm interrupted by the sound of loud snoring. A couple of female friends of mine decided to try and drink with the grown folks tonight.

So one young lady went 3 shots and 4 beers into the game. I knew it was over for her when she started repeating everything that people were saying at the table we were sitting at. It was like she was a damned parrot or an echo. My four year old doesn't repeat EVERYTHING. She is currently passed out on my front bathroom in the tub.

Female number 2 is laying on some black garbage bags laid out in my hallway. This Latina is face down ass up wearing my "Don't fuck with me, I'm Black" t-shirt. She gave it up all over her clothes, her car and part of the 91 hwy. If you are doing community service tomorrow morning and have to clean up the side of the road, I'm sorry.

I'm off tomorrow but it's on tonight. I'm getting my son's crayons and going to get my inner Picasso on.

I'm so done with black folks.

So it's Superbowl Sunday and you know your boy is having a party right. So I get several RSVPs and order the taco man according to the number of RSVPs. Why your boy have like 15 no shows. Now that's $150 out of my pocket to cover for people who claimed they were coming.

Normally I wouldn't even go out on a limb for people but damn colored people caught me slippin. I thought things would be different in '09. But I see niggas will be niggas no matter who the president is.