Internet Dating Horror - Throw some "D"s on it.

Triple D's at that. So I get this message on myspace (before I fired TOM) and this young lady tells me that I heard that we have met before. I'm like I don't believe so but what ever, I'll play along. She tells me that we have a mutual friend and that we met at a going away party for this friend. Now I remember the party but not this girl. Mind you, I had started talking to baby about a year ago but it never went anywhere, so I'm confused by this whole new look on things.

So we chop it up for a few days and it's time for that first meeting. Now you guys know my rule but after talking to this girl for a bit I decide to break my own rule. I agree to let baby come to my house. So before our meeting we talk about everything from politics to sports. And I have to admit this girl has me interested. She does tell me about her issues with other females etc etc and I'm like ok, not that big a deal. Girls hate on her because guys are always approaching her blah blah blah. She tells me story after story about her friends and I'm like ok she hangs with some losers but what ever.

So one of the things we talk about was she has large breastessess. She goes on to tell me she has big ta tas, flat stomach and a big butt. I'm like $$$$$$ but I need to verify this before. I've been duped before and not falling for some fancy camera tricks and photoshop.

So baby shows up to the house and the face is average but she did have some LARGE breasts. The stomach wasn't exactly flat but wasn't as round as mine so it was cool. She was a solid size 12 and I'm ok cool. So we head out to get some sushi and some drinks. Throughout the night the convo is on point and I'm feeling pretty good about this. Finally, one that I could see again. So as we eat I'm glancing down and checking out the good and the weather in the sushi spot was a little chilly so the head lights were on full beam. Now, I don't know what the proof is on sake but I was starting to feel pretty good but, I am noticing that her nipples were a little high on her chest. I've been having some issues with my eyes lately and just thought the sake and my vision were on some other level.

She must have saw me talking to her boobs cause she started telling me a story about them. 36DDD and perky. I'm a typical guy so I'm not knowing but I ask cause I'm a boob man. How can that be? How can you have that much and still perky? Is this some super wonder bra? She tells me that she has had some work done and she almost died from it. Now I have heard stories (Kanye West's mom, Coretta King) about complications from cosmetic surgeries. She tells me that her and a friend went to TJ to have these procedures done. I'm like that isn't very smart you know. She goes on and on about the complications and the infections etc etc.

So fast forward a few hours and we are back at my spot, both feeling good, head on tilt from all the saki and wine and we start making out. I got my ipod already set on my "letsgetbuttnakedandfuck" play list and I'm letting K.E.M. bring it home for me. Next thing I know baby girl is asking if she can see my room. BINGO!!!! I tell her that I didn't think that was best (I like to play that role like I'm not a dog) I let her know that the big bad wolf lives in that room and I can't promise her that she won't get eatten like little red riding hood. She laughs and pulls me into the room. Needless to say, the wolf came out....

So the wolf is out and doing what he does and "I" start to check out the good under the moon light and thats when I see it. It was just like that email floating around about the model suing the cross-eyed plastic surgeon. They weren't even pointing the same directions. It was like some bad disco move on dance fever. The nipples were coming and going and she had a scar like she got hit with a train in the side. I couldn't even do it. That sake wore off way to fast.

Bitch, I'M the bomb, like TIC-TIC

So I've been keeping my head down and doing my thing. I'm trying to keep my bills low and my grind high. I've been on a few dates the last few weeks and your boy has a kill ratio of 100%. Nothing to write home about but something to do nonetheless. So the latest, we'll call her TJ, texts me this morning in response to a message I sent her. She tells me that she was busy and it is what it is. I'm dumbfounded and have no idea why she is coming off on me. I respond, damn is it like that to which she replies yep, take care.

Ok, so i'm back tracking and trying to retrace my steps from the last 24 hours. What is going on? Did I send her a text or email meant for someone else? Nope! Have I called her and ask for some other girl? Nope! For the life of me I can't figure it out.

Let me fall back to the start of my day so you can see where my head is at today. I am on a 12 hour fast. I have to go to the doctor to do some blood work so I can't eat or drink. So needless to say I'm already irritable and not in the best frame of mind. Then this chick that I've only been out with once is trying to check me? OH HELL NO!

Someone done told her wrong. Just because I let me membership to the Riverside Chapter of the Ike Turner fan club expire don't mean that I won't lay it down. Quiet as it's kept, I am the new president of the Chris Brown fan club and you just threw my keys out of my ride.I calmly let this trick know, that I am wrong neya to FUCK WIT. I don't play with people's kids! I quit school cause of recess!

Turns out this bitch is all uptight over a comment left for me on my myspace by another girl. So she gets her panties all in a bunch as we were married and I got her sister knocked up. I calmly let her know that she hasn't even known me long enough to question me let alone give ME tude.

I fire TJ, the girl who left the post, and TOM! Yes I even deleted my myspace. If you want to know what I'm doing so bad follow my twitter or text me. Either way, (in my best Ice Cube voice) I'm the wrong Neya to phuck wit!


Oh and my daughter went away to camp today :( Today is not the day to test me.

Internet Dating HORROR - The Hoodwink Pt. 2

So I told you all the story of the HOODWINK and the girl who gave me a photo of herself about what she is going to look like once she gets done with her work out program.

So yesterday I'm in Target picking up some things for around the house. I have my son with me (4) and we are discussing why he thinks he REALLY NEEDS to get a hot wheel racing car (he needed it because he never had one like this one by the way). So we are standing in line about to purchase these items + the new hot wheel car and he says to me. "Daddy, why is that big lady staring at us?" I look over and sure enough this woman is staring at us like we were the last piece of pie in the dish. I look away real fast not to make eye contact.

We step closer to the register and my son is tugging on my shirt. "Daddy.... Daddy, she is still staring at us." I started to tell my son to tell her staring is not nice but I knew he would actually do it. I turn to get another glance because I didn't know this person. Sure enough she was and now she is waving. Not that wave that you do when you are trying to get someone's attention. She was doing that wave where you just bend your fingers.

I'm like OH hell no, not today, not with my son. I've got a reputation and my son is used to seeing me interact with purty girls. I can't have his views tarnished so I turn back around, start making small talk with the cashier. Suddenly it gets dark like when the clouds roll in on a movie set. The birds stopped singing, the horses start running and hound dogs start howling. I get a tap on my shoulder and my knees lock up. I now know why the little white girl in the scary movies keeps falling down!

I turn around and sure enough it's the girl who been staring. I'm like damn are you serious? She is all on me. "Hey, Darrell how you been?" Now anyone who knows me, knows that I hate being called Darrell, My name is DARNELL damnit get it right. Without a pause, skipping a beat or anything my little man takes one for the team. He throws himself on the grenade for his old man. My daddy's name isn't Darrell. You got the wrong guy. She immediately turns her attention to my son and tells him that he is sooo cute. He backs up from her and puts himself out of harms reach.

She tells me that she just wanted to say hi and we should get together for a drink or something. I ask her if we had met before and she says dang, like that? You don't remember me? It's me Tanitia! I looked at her again and sure enough it was. This is the girl who gave me the photo and had the halitosis. I'm like, oh hey, how you been? I had to cut her off quick, yea the drinks probably not gonna happen. I'm getting married. My son started to chime in and I had to cover his mouth and shut him up. So we exchange greetings and salutations and both head to the parking lot.

I start walking slow cause I didn't want anyone thinking I'm with this woman at all. We get to the truck and I get everything loaded up. I get my son in his seat and strap him in and he tells me, "Daddy, that woman had bad breathe, she needs to brush her teeth"

Four years old is my favorite age for kids!

What am I looking for?

So you know how you meet a girl and everything is fresh and cool. You eventually get to that series of serious questions. The one that is funny to me is "What are you looking for" I'm looking to blow that back out. DUH! Ok so you can't answer with that one really but what do you say to it?

I'm looking for an equal? Naw that aint it. I don't feel I have one. Let's not bullshit. Am I looking for a booty call? Nope, been there done that. That's too easy and don't have to look for it. Am I looking for love? Negative, I don't think you can look for that. It either happens or it doesn't.

What I'm looking for is perfection.

Old school values, new school hustle. Florida Evans (good times)meets Rochelle Black (everybody hates chris) meets (random porn star). The woman that holds the family down and keeps shit in order. A real ride or die bitch. Someone who has my back no matter what and no matter why. Shoot first ask questions later. A woman who wakes me up cause she hears a someone break into our house. I reach over to get my shoes and she is loading the clip in her gun and hands my mind. That's what i want.

Now where is this girl? /shrug. I might have met her already and just don't know it. Maybe I met her when I was in the Navy and let her move away to Texas? Maybe I met her in the 2nd grade and just didn't know it. Maybe she is at the BBQ spot tonight picking up some ribs. Who knows?

No matter where she is, I bet when I meet her she doesn't ask me what am I looking for. She already knows because she is looking for me.....

YOU TRYIN TO HELP IKE? errr CHRIS???

Ok so a modern day Ike and Tina? Your self respect is so low that you let a nigga go ninja on your ass and you go back to him? I'm no salty ass dude and could actually care less what a nigga do in his own house with his own woman but damn. Is his shit that good? Now I pride myself on my sex game, and I have put some chicks through some shit but damn I need to rethink my level of satisfaction. Clearly I'm not doing it as well as I thought I was. I'm not able to go Sho'NUFF on a bitch and have her stay with me.

Can one of you ladies help me understand? I mean damn, is good dick that hard to find? I want it to be said here and now so there is no misunderstanding. I have an 11 year old daughter that is down right frustrating. These pre-teen years have been rough on your boy, and I know it's only going to get worse. But let it be noted for the record. If a man goes HARPO on my baby girl "I'LL SEES HIMS DEAD!" Had I been Rhianna's father yall wouldn't be able to find Chris Brown. I will go Hannibal Lectre on his ass and feed him to some hungry fish out in the middle of the ocean. Shit a nigga talk to my baby funny and it's gonna be some furniture moving. I'm gonna bust his head to the white meat. See I would ensure that it wouldn't only happen once. She wouldn't have had a chance to get back with him. His ass would be ground up and sprinkled over my front yard like fertilizer.

Every body involved in this fuckery needs their ass kicked. Chris, Rhianna, Her Dad, all of the above.

Shit I need a fucking drink, this shit got my blood pressure up.