Internet Dating HORROR - The Hoodwink

So I log onto Black planet and have a few notes in my inbox. I find a note from a tall chocolate girl in Corona. She lets me know she is interested in getting to know me and we do the normal this is who I am blah blah blah. She doesn't fit my normal mode but I'm an easy going dude, so I flow with it. She tells me she wants to meet and I put it off for a bit. I finally agree to it and she agrees to meet me at the neighborhood Jamba Juice. Its right next door to Starbucks but after my last visit there I'm too embarrassed to show my face there.

So I head there armed with a photo of this girl in my memory. I get out of the car and head in. I notice a girl out of the corner of my eye as I'm walking in. She flashes a smile at me and I give her that nod that you give someone you pass in the grocery store. I walk in scan the tables and don't see her. Now she had texted me letting me know she was here so I assume she was in the restroom or something. I order a drink and take a seat. I'm sitting there a few minutes and I glance out the window and the girl outside is texting and suddenly my phone starts to buzz. I check my phone and my mystery date is telling me she is outside.

Now this can't be, cause this girl outside is HUGE. Now there aint nothing wrong with big girls (Hell I'm a big dude) but that's just not my thing. I walk outside looking around cause this can't be it. Big girl steps up and extends her arms like I was some long lost cousin holding a country ham.

I can't take this shit anymore and now we are out in the open air where anyone driving by can see. Now people that know me, know that I'm not always the nicest person. And right now, right at this point, I'm like OH HELL NO! I'm like Um, this is some bullshit. She has a look of shock on her face like I just caught her with her hand in the cookie jar. I'm like you look nothing like this picture you sent me. She starts to stutter like a 9 year old who just got caught watching porn. I'm pissed as hell cause every person I see walking in to Jamba Juice appears to be snickering at me as they walk in. I'm so mad that I'm shaking like a stripper.

She starts to explain. She tells me that the photo was of her a few years ago. I'm like no fucking shit. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo. Hands it to me and says she brought it for me. It's a photo of her like 80lbs lighter. I'm like WTF is this? She tells me that she has started working out and this is what she is going to look like soon. I'm looking at her in her eyes and this heffa is serious. I realize at that moment that this bitch is crazy. I sit back in my seat take a deep breath. I calm down and listen to her tell me this story. I think I stayed because I couldn't believe it. I could not believe a person would not only mislead like that but then justify it by saying they are gonna work out and get back down to that weight. How do you reason with a fool? Only a fool does. So I listen. I notice that while she is talking she doesn't look directly at me. I assume it's because I had this look on my face like someone just gave me a spoon of castor oil. I can only image how I was looking. But you see, I am a fool. SO I asked. What's up with you looking away.

I wasn't ready for her answer. She tells me that she suffers from halitosis and is insecure about it so she doesn't look directly at someone when she talks to them. I have replayed the whole thing over and over in my head a hundred times and it plays out just how it happened in real life. I start cracking up. I laughed out loud. I laughed that I started choking. I laughed so hard that I started crying. I started laughing so hard that I didn't even notice her leave. I still have that photo. She will never see that size again and I will never fall for that trick again. Before I meet anyone I need to see the video chat.

I know I was wrong for laughing and for that I am sorry. But damnit she is a liar and who wants to be with a liar. WITH BAD BREATH....