Internet Dating HORROR - Starbucks Egress

Ok, so I was talking to my girl Ms. Brown the other day and she was telling me I should blog about my many Internet dating horrors. So here it the first one. Now these have all happened from 95 - present and in no particular order.

So your boy is at work and decides to check his email. Low and behold I'm being blown up by some little chippy from the O.C. Now I check out the email and double verify with the screen name and it’s a damn glamour shot. Now I hate those pics because they show something that could never be duplicated. Anyway, I immediately ask for another photo because I've been fooled enough. She sends me another couple of pics and I sense a theme. They are all distance shots. One of the shoulder look, one sitting down behind the table shot etc etc... I'm not feeling that sure about this but I'm just talking right? So we chat online a few times for about two weeks. Now her profile said she was a 46 year old Latina which at that time was pushing the limit for my range.

I'm still not putting much effort into this (which for some reason works out best) and going with the flow. She is inviting me out to this party and that function and I respectfully refuse them all. I have a strict rule about meeting crazies off the web. I told her we could meet at Starbucks or someplace like that for the first meeting, not at a club or party type place. She says she understands but for some reason kept inviting me to meet her or meet her and her girls out someplace.

So one day I'm at work about to get some lunch and I get an email on my phone. She is asking me to meet her for lunch because she was in my town. She left her number on the email so I called her to see what was popping. Immediately my alarm starts to sound. I say hello in my normal Billie D Williams voice, and I get a hello back and it sounds like Darth Vader is on the other end. It was so bad I thought I had the wrong number. She tells me she is getting over a cold so I calm down just a bit. So we setup a meet and greet down the road from my house at the neighborhood Starbucks. I call my boy Sp8detight up and let him know I needed an out. (that's a phone call claiming he got a emergency and I need to go help him). I have a strict 10 minute first date rule so I set the OUT for 20min from then.

She told me what type of car she had so I'm looking for it when I walk up. I scan the parking lot and only see one car similar to that but it was in the handicap parking. I walk in and I can't believe my eyes. I am having coffee with Phyllis Diller. This broad is wearing spandex pants and all black. She has turkey neck and so much arm fat that the arm kept moving much after her arm was. She tells me over coffee that she had gastric bypass and lost over 200 lbs. She goes on to tell me how she is planning on having cosmetic surgery to remove the extra skin. Now when I say extra skin, I mean she looks like she is a size M and wearing a XXL skin suit. Skin was everywhere and no matter how much I tried, I couldn't stop frowning. I'm like ring phone ring. I excuse myself and hit the restroom. I'm dialing my boy and he doesn't answer. I send a mass text for anyone to call me ASAP. But no one does.

After sitting there for 30 minutes and having about 40 people walk in and shoot me a look when they walk in I just tell her I got to bounce. She walks me out and cornered me for a hug. It was like hugging a giant mold of silly putty. I swear as she walked away my arm prints were still on her. I get back in the car, traumatized and pissed off. I call my boy to see why he would do my so dirty. I thought we were down. Down like 4 flats. He knew what was going on. It was like he was there too watching and laughing. I look down at my phone and notice I have 15 missed calls. MY F*CKING PHONE WAS ON SILENT!!!!