Online Dating

So you know your boy has been online since the internet was started. I've done the whole range of things from bulletin boards to dial up on AOL (when they charged you by the hour) to high speed internet. I've done the AOL chat rooms, the Yahoo Chat rooms and the different sites like Black Planet, MySpace etc.. etc..

I can only speak on the women online because well frankly that's all I know about. I'm sure the ladies can speak on how crazy the men are online but that's for another spot. I'm here to talk about the ladies of the internet and the things they do.

First of all, it's 2009. YOU have access to a digital camera of some type. You have a cell phone that takes pics, you or your neighbor has a camera etc. If you are on a dating site and don't have a photo, you are either A) Ugly as old bacon grease, or B) hiding from someone or C) Both. Either way, stop lying that you don't have a camera. That lie was old back during dial up. On the subject of photos. What's with the glamour shots? You don't look like that. Why would you post that photo at all? That is you after 3 hours of hair and makeup. You will never look like that again. Those people could not even duplicate that look for you. That would be like me taking a photo with one of those muscle man suits on or one of those joke pictures you take at Knots Berry Farm. And then you have the nerve to put in your profile you want a "REAL" man who doesn't play games etc. BITCH!!! What do you call what you are doing, posting pictures from 10 years ago?

The body of the profile is suppose to be about what you like and dislike. What you are looking for and what you aren't. I can't tell you how many times I read a woman's profile where it says she is looking for a man who has a car, no drama and a good job. Well let me see. Do you have a car? What type of job do YOU have? And the drama thing is the funniest part. Let me clue you ladies in on something. If you have kids, you have drama. Unless you don't have absolutely nothing to do with the other parent there is drama. If he isn't paying child support, that is drama. If he isn't doing this or that, guess what it's drama. Anything negative thing that "I" might hear come out of your mouth regarding your baby daddy is drama. If you got bad kids, guess what DRAMA! And why are you concerned with my job? We aren't hiring. You can't come here and work with me, so worry about your job. As long as I have money in my pocket to take you out, leave my job out your mouth.

AGE. You would think I wouldn't have to even comment on that but I do. I should get messages from ladies who are a few years younger than my mother. That's just nasty. Now I know in today's time you could have a mother 16 years older than the kid, but seriously who wants to go out with someone that shared homeroom with their mom?

My biggest issue with online dating is the bots. I was in the service for many years, and I've traveled all over the world. I've seen lots of places. I'm not sure what it is about Ghana and Russia but damnit those women are trying to get the hell out of those places. I'm sick of getting emails from chicks trying to get at me to get them a green card. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Kick rocks and do it movin.

Last but not least, we need to be on the same page when it comes to these descriptions.

Athletic - easy
Average - Not skinny and you aren't fat.
Thick - ok this one is misused ALL THE TIME. Thick doesn’t mean you are thick all over. Thick means you got some junk in the trunk, maybe large ta-tas. Fat chicks all over the world are trying to squeeze into the THICK label and it's not working.
Big & BBW - You know if the check belongs in this box. Don't fight it. Just like you didn't fight against supersizing that meal.

Don't put things like spontaneous and you are scared to come out the house and meet. Don't say stuff like you like to travel if you won't drive on the freeway or drive farther than 10 miles. Don't say stuff like you want a man who takes control but when a dude says, hey lets go out to dinner you find a reason not to go. It's '09. It's ok for ladies to ask a guy out too. Don't post that you are independent and all that, but you want a guy make the first move all the time.

Let me look at some personal sites and decipher what it is you ladies are REALLY saying.

I would like to meet a man who is compassionate, patient, witty and open-minded. - YOU WANT A GUY WHO LIKES CHICK FLICKS and DOESN'T MIND THAT YOU LIKE GIRLS TOO?

I am looking for a serious long-term relationship with a responsible, emotionally and financially secure man - I AM LOOKING FOR AN OLDER MAN WITH A JOB TO TAKE CARE OF ME CAUSE I'M BROKE!


Anyway, I’m outty. Just a squirrel trying to get a nut..........